It’s 4:44 AM… I should be doing something more constructive… I waited 3 hours to use a working printer… yet all printing seems to do is sadden me. No image is at the level I’d like it to be…

I look at all these people with creativity… the ability to easily impart emotions into their works… and into their day to day life, with expressions of the face, tone of the voice… Language of the body… So my question is… where is my creativity, where is my expression?

I can’t bring the same level of emotive strength to my work… the depth and impact that comes with a powerful image (or any good artistic work/expression). I can help others solve certain technical problems standing between them and realizing an image (in photography at least)… But can never fathom how to express myself in my own work (neither photographic or otherwise). There are things I want to express… to understand how to put the things that lurks in the depths of my mind into an image, or some form of creative expression…

I understand how things work in so many ways… I know how a camera works rather thoroughly… I can adjust height of strings, pickups, and move the progression of pitch on the neck of a guitar before even playing a note or a chord… I understand the basic notion of writing (not that I can spell but oh well)… and yet I can’t actually use any of them… I know how they work… but not how to use them… at least not as expressive tools… Why can’t I evoke an emotive response through a creative expression… what am I missing?

I think… or I believe there is some depth to me… I feel… even if I don’t give the impression… I have feelings all the time… I feel strong emotions… impulsive reactions to things I don’t always consously grasp… I guess I have no real naturalized way to show what or when I’m feeling… if something saddens me… I don’t know how to show it… not really.

I feel so many things… things that may often be an odd, or skewed emotion for any given situation or to a subject of relevance to the time… or at least of relevance to myself… why can’t I make a single one of you feel what I feel? Or failing that at least give you some idea of how I feel…

My frustration and sadness at this… I can only express in a contortedly calm face… a face with subtle traces of perhaps… sadness… a face with eventless grey eyes… a pair of lips that feel neither comfortable forming a smile or a frown… I lurk precariously between expressions… not sure if what I feel is done justice by any… moving awkwardly from one social situation to another… speaking but never really telling you what I’d like to… or knowing how for that matter… Perhaps I’m being melodramatic… but nonetheless these things trouble me.

There is more… but I’m reluctant to go on, perhaps if anyone says something enlightening or by some strangeness, reflection upon this brings me closer to… something… I’ll continue…

So for now… all those who have inspiration… hold onto it for dear life. To those who don’t appreciate their own talent… start doing so now *shakes fist* and for those who have a natural ability to put empowering… emotionally evocative elements in images… or other art… consider yourselves lucky… and if you could… tell me where to find a lexicon that allows me to do the same.

Peace.